Hoarding - What is it good for?

Hoarding - what is it good for? Hell if I know.
Hoard (n): a supply or accumulation that is hidden or carefully guarded for preservation, future use, etc.
Hoard (v): to accumulate money, food, or the like, in a hidden or carefully guarded place for preservation, future use, etc.
Compulsive hoarding (or pathological collecting) is a pattern of behavior that is characterized by the excessive acquisition of and the inability or unwillingness to discard large quantities of objects or material.
My brother has an unbelievable amount of junk, mostly old newspapers and magazines in his apartment. One can barely move around in there. When asked why he won’t throw any of them away, my brother waxes almost poetically on the value of each article. Each magazine issue holds a special meaning or significance, at least to him. There are millions of people in this country who suffer some form of compulsive hoarding syndrome. These people collect most anything including newspapers, clocks, animals and money.
These same people are often profiled on television in an unflattering way. I know that AETV has a show as does TLC (formerly The Learning Channel, rebranded as The Loser Channel). Each show profiles a troubled person and goes to great lengths to describe how “Hoarding” has taken over and in some cases ruined these people’s lives. Family members often attempt interventions on behalf of their stricken relatives. Many of the “hoarders” live in pitiful conditions. The objects of their affection, attention and obsession are overflowing from every room and taking up every available space. Truly these people need our help, therapy and compassion.
But I believe that the hoarding mentality manifests itself in other ways too. I’d like to discuss a different type of hoarding. The people afflicted in this manner are instead glorified, admired and to a certain extent almost worshipped in the United States. In fact these people are literally in a class by themselves. They are the one percent. Yes there are approximately 1.1 million households in the United States that have over $5 million in investible assets. But I’m not referring to them. I’m talking about the half of one percent of the one percent. Did you know that there are 400 people in the United States who are each worth a billion or more dollars? That’s right billion with a “B”. The top 400 have a combined asset value of 1.6 trillion dollars, give or take a billion. Of these unfortunate afflicted, 56 have $100 million or more in free cash floating around. The rest of their worth is hoarded in stocks, bonds, real estate and presumably comic books and baseball cards.
The mega-million hoarder has worked just as hard, if not harder than their pitied poorer hoarder “cousins”. Instead of amassing books, magazines, or cats they have amassed huge amounts of cash and luxury assets. With unimaginable wealth at their disposal no item is too ridiculous to own. Got your own diamond encrusted cigarette lighter? Check. How about a Pagani Briefcase, oh yeah got that too. I know, do you have a Chanel croquet set? Absolutely, we have two of those just in case Prince Harry and 5 of his best friends stop by. Feel like running for Governor of California or Mayor of New York on your own dime? Check and mate.
Arguably the money hoarder will spend a bit on luxury items. But seriously how many yachts, cars and vacation homes does one really need? Apparently some need at least eight, one for each continent you see. To be fair, one or two of them (literally one Bill Gates, or two Warren Buffet) set aside a pittance for charitable purposes. But otherwise the money just sits around in piles collecting dust and blocking access to the guest wing. Well it would if they kept their money at home, but who wants all that dirty money lying around?
Now I’m not suggesting for a minute that these mega-mega-millionaires should give away their money to just anybody. No, I recommend that they give their money to me. I’m willing to help them and perform an intervention for all of them. I’d like to help them unburden themselves from the pressure of buying that 20th mansion. Why should these poor souls have to labor alone, when help is just a phone call away? Seriously, Donald, call me. I’ll remove that dead cat from your head and set up an employment re-education center in your name. You don’t need an apprentice, you need some tough love buddy.
The free cash that these folks have lying around adds up to more than 5.6 billion dollars. Imagine the education endowment that could be funded with that dough-ray-me. For instance, a four year college education (tuition and books only) costs about $30,000. Training programs for trades can be completed for less than five grand. Most every politician agrees that the road to prosperity is paved with education. Personally I believe it’s paved with the inheritance from your multi-millionaire dad. Just ask the Hilton girls if you have any doubts.
But if education isn’t your thing how about funding some affordable housing or affordable daycare or affordable anything? Nah, that money is fine where it sits thank you. Besides, these people have families to feed. With solid gold utensils and plates too. I know you think I’m jealous of those who made it all on their own. That’s not true. I have loads of admiration for Bill Gates and Larry Ellison. Take that Donald Trump fellow for instance. How many other people do you know who can inherit millions of dollars and still declare bankruptcy four times? Now that takes real talent. It’s the Hilton and Walton kids that piss me off. Thirty years ago Wal-Mart which was created by Sam Walton made its name by touting the “Made in America” labels. Then Sam died and his kids rebranded the chain with a silent “Made in China” and “Made anywhere but America”. Sure Wal-Mart is bigger and richer, but at what cost?
Look, I believe that your money is yours to do with as you please. It doesn’t matter to me how you got rich, as long as it was legal that is. I’m just supposing a different place, a place that doesn’t exist now. But man wouldn’t it be something if those who had the means would just find a way to help those who don’t? The Hoarders could change others’ lives that otherwise would be nasty, brutish, and short to one with real meaning. I’m just supposing, wouldn’t that be something?